Grief

Today I am finding myself really missing the babies that I lost.  I know that I will be missing them for a long time and that some days will be better than others.  Right now its difficult because I am separated from the survivors.  I can't be with them all of the time to make sure that they are ok.  To keep an eye on them and it is making it so difficult for me.  Then again, if they were with me I would probably stay up all night watching them to make sure that nothing happened.  Right now, we only have Indy with us at the hotel.  Merlin and Salem are at the vet and Sisco is at the shelter in Brighton.  I haven't seen Sisco yet and I worry that she thinks we abandoned her but we will see her tomorrow and move her to the vet where Merlin and Salem are.  I am happy that they will all be at one place so I can visit them every day after work.  With my kids growing up, I have really become to rely on my babies for companionship.  Megan is almost 19 and has a child of her own.  Before Job Corp she was hardly ever home and in a week she will be going back only to come back home in December for Christmas break.  Paige is 15 now so she is rarely home as she is always with her friends having a good time.  This is part of the cycle of life and I accepted it awhile ago.  While they were gone, I relied on the babies for company.  They kept me sane, although I'm sure an outsider would say that I was nuts considering how much I talked to them.  Don't get me wrong, I am so blessed and relieved that my daughters, grandson, husband and I weren't hurt.  I have gone over the what if's a few times so I totally understand that we are lucky.  But my heart still hurts.  It aches for the feathered and furred family members that we lost.  They were family. They were a part of us.  That's a hard bond to break.  I have had past furred family members visit me from the other side and Meiko, the cat, did that just the other night.  The bonds are undeniable.  Today I visited Merlin and Salem and just loved on them for awhile.  Salem was all for it.  Merlin, well he's a cranky feather butt who doesn't understand whats going on. He was never much of a cuddler anyway...not like Caesar was.  I ended up making him angry because I needed to put medicine in his eyes because of the smoke.  Going there and seeing him keep his eyes closed most of the time breaks my heart, but at the same time, I am lucky to have him here.  It amazes me that a firefighter gave CPR to my parrot and my cat and they are still here.  It truly is a miracle because they were so close to death.  Yet despite the miracle, I worry that they will take a turn for the worse, like Roxy did.  I had convinced myself that she was going to be ok and then she died in her sleep.  Looking back, my heart KNEW she wasn't going to make it.  It really did.  My head had a different theory though because I think I was trying to protect myself from any further pain.  I NEEDED Roxy to be ok and when she wasn't, it broke my heart even more. 

Telling your children that a beloved family member has passed is a difficult thing to do.  They took it as hard as I thought they would.  My grandson Tristen, loved Roxy and she loved him.  She was so very gentle with him, more gentle than I have ever seen a dog be with a toddler.  Not once did she growl at him or show her teeth.  Not even when he poked her in the eye.  I am gong to miss seeing that relationship.  Megan loved Roxy but she loved that Tristen and Roxy loved each other also.  Paige took it really hard. She is in Illinois visiting family so she doesn't fully understand what is going on since she isn't in the middle of it.  Roxy was her dog.  I'm worried about Paige because she is angry.  She's angry that our house caught fire.  She's angry that we lost some family.  She's angry that Mike and I have to live in a hotel temporarily.   She angry that the fire fighters didn't get there sooner, even though they made in in 6 minutes, which is amazing since we live out in the country.  Anger is part of grief and it is so hard for her, especially being so far away.  I can't be with her to help her grieve.  Grieve the loss of our home, the loss of our sanctuary, the loss of our family.  She said she would come back but with everything up in the air I think she needs to stay there.  When we have more of an idea of what is going on, then she can come home.  Right now she is where she needs to be I think.  Megan seems to be handling everything ok.  If she is having a hard time she is not telling me and she has been staying with Sara so I haven't seen her since the night of the fire.  I will see her tonight though and hopefully she is ok.  I'm sure that she is grieving though, she just doesn't always show or share her emotions.  She works things out on her own.

Mike...Mike I know is grieving but like Megan, he doesn't voice it.  I know he's trying to be strong for me and he is a pretty strong guy.  He always told me he would be happier without the pets but he has always loved on them.  He's been giving Indy extra attention and doing the same with Salem when we see him so I know that he cares.  He just doesn't show it always when it comes to the animals.

I know that with time, the pain will be less, but it's only been 3 days and we all need to grieve the loss.  It's part of the process.  If we dont' take time to grieve those we lost, then we aren't honoring them and every one of them deserve it.